My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
