What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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