I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
