oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
