Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
