I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
