I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
