she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
