We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
