I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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