you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
