My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
