Can i not drive my cunt home
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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