ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
