Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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