Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
