Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
