I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
