turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They took my balls.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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