Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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