Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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