mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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