i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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