I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
