that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Houston, we have a squirter
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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