Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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