just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
