woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
