Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We had sex on a dog bed..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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