I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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