Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
