guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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