Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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