a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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