I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
