I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
