You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
