we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
