Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
