So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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