i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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