She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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