We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
