i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
