I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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