btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
