i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
