Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize