I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
there's paper in my vomit.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
