My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
