I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
