YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
