you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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