I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
