made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
