Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
